Over the River and Through The Hood

 

Post by Lucy @ http://www.mylifeaslucille.blogspot.com/

 

There’s nothing quite like this time of year. The holiday season is truly magical. You will drive down Main Street through the old downtown. The shops flanking the street will be lit up and decorated quite festively. Everywhere you look will be strands of lights and wreaths and beautiful decorations.

 

Handy Hint: You will want to be sure to observe the dress code if you plan to go to stop at the wine bar or bistro. No ghetto allowed so leave your skull caps at home.

 

An essential ingredient for holiday cheer is the children’s school Christmas program. Nothing gets you in the mood for the holidays like the sound of 30 four year olds belting out the wrong words, off key to your favorite carols. You’ll arrive 40 minutes early to be sure you get a good seat. You will have forgotten to bring anything to entertain your children with. So you’ll spend the next 30 minutes trying to restrain them. The ginormous woman with a beard and twelve children will ax you if you need all 3 chairs.

 

The concert will begin. Several children on stage will be screaming and bawling due to separation anxiety which will likely lead to PTS since the teacher helpers won’t let them go to their parents. The performers will have little reindeer horns and blinking Rudolph noses, half of which will not be working. The teacher will be accompanying them on the violin and the class will be approximately 6 measures ahead of her.

 

Then there will be the 17 people who have left their seats to stand in front of you while taking photos of their little angels. The boy in the back row will be jacking on the curtain, prompting the teacher helper to scold him in front of everyone. There will be the little boy dressed in a ridiculous Santa Claus tie that reaches the floor and was clearly borrowed from his father, the cute little girl with so many barrettes hanging from her hair that the shear gravity pulls her head to her chest, and the little pageant princess who hogs the microphone the whole. Entire. Time.

 

And then there will be the lady with 6 inch acrylic fingernails behind you talking LOUDLY on her cell phone about how little Shaunte’s baby daddy got locked up last night and the dude with 2 teeth missing “thing-ing along to Thilent Nighth.” And then, the pinnacle of the evening. The teacher will thank everyone for coming followed by the announcement that a special visitor is outside of the door.

 

Jingle bells will ring briefly before the anticlimactic entrance of Santa Claus himself. Your children will ask you why Santa’s face is so tan. You will explain that he spent the off season in the South of France. Probably. You’ll have the distinct suspicion when he says HO-HO-HO he’s probably not greeting the children, but rather acknowledging a few lady acquaintances in the audience.

 

Your family will smile and congratulate the child on a Tony Award worthy performance while pushing your way through the crowd of people smoking directly outside the exit door. You will assist your family into your vehicle, then promptly lock the car doors. Three Escalades with spinney rims will pull out in front of you to leave the parking lot first. On your way home, you will cross the bridge and speed quickly through the dark streets toward more familiar scenery. Your family will all be singing their favorite song…Over The River And Through The Hood and agreeing that it’s private school for next year.