The Keys to a Successful Marriage are NOT in my Gray Coat!

Post by Tracy @ http://www.momaical.com

I can feel my pulse beating in the soles of my exhausted and sore feet.  The pain is radiating up and settling into my lower back.  I want to take my sassy heels off, but we are at a bar I don't want my french manicured toes mingling with things I'd rather not think about congealed on the floor.  I am one of the few sober people remaining in the place.  We had a wonderful day - everyone we love came to visit us on our first visit back to Massachusetts since we moved to California 9 months ago.  However, it's late, I am about 5 hours past overtired and I am no longer enjoying the drunken shenanigans occurring around me. 

I tell my husband that I wish to head to the hotel.  He yawns his agreement.  I ask him to give me the keys, as he drove to the bar.  He informs me that I have them.  Which I do not. 

Key Master: "Tracy, you had the keys when we went outside to give the kids stuff to my parents."
Me: "No I didn't. You unlocked the car and gave the girls' suitcases to your father."
Key Master: "You unlocked the car."
Key-less Me: "No I didn't. I carried Emmeline."
Belligerent Key Master: "I DON'T HAVE THEM TRACY." 
Trying to Stay Calm Me: "Ok, maybe they're outside near the car."


We walk out back and begin to comb the parking lot and the car for the missing keys.  It is really cold out (since it's February) and I didn't bring a coat because I didn't want to leave it lying around the bar.  The keys are no where to be seen. We head back inside to continue looking.

Obstreperous Key Bastard: "You clearly have them.  I unlocked the car and then put them in the pocket of your gray coat."
Innocent Until Proven Guilty Me: "I'm not wearing a gray coat.  I don't even own a gray coat."
Gave the Keys To a Stranger Asshole: "Well, that's just freakin' awesome, Tracy.  Now we don't have the keys.  Now we are going to have to pay $7,000,000 to replace the keys to Hertz.  I can't believe you lost the keys.  I put them in your gray coat on the bar."
Super Pissed Off Shouty Me: I DON'T HAVE THE GOD DAMN KEYS!!  I AM WEARING A BLACK SWEATER WITH NO POCKETS!!  I DON'T HAVE A GRAY COAT!!!!!


Our friends Jeff and Lindsey are not-so-successfully stifling laughs and offer to drive us the few blocks to the hotel. I leave my number with the bartender in case a set of keys is located after they close.  Also, the owner of the bar is a dear friend of ours - and he will call us if he finds anything.   Frustrated, tired and now wanting to stab my husband with the missing keys - we head to the hotel. During the entire 10 minute ride back to the hotel Key Loser 3000 keeps blaming me for misplacing the keys and complaining how much money we are going to owe to the rental car agency and like THIS is what he feels like dealing with in the morning.  I seethe in the back seat and try to refrain from pushing him out of the moving vehicle.

We get to the room and I sequester myself in the bathroom to perform my nightly pre-sleep ritual of contact lens removal, make up removal, etc.  My husband collapses on the bed.  I have the sink running to wash my face and I hear something garbled coming from the other room.  I turn off the faucet so I can hear him. 

Overtired Me:  Sigh...I couldn't hear you with the sink running. What did you say?
Should Be Sleeping on the Couch Jackass: I found the keys!
Wrongfully Accused Me: Excuse me?
Too Narcissistic to be Contrite: I found the keys!  I put them in this little pocket in my jeans so I wouldn't lose them.
I Freakin' Told You I Didn't Have Them Me:  I am so kicking your ass in the morning.