Closet Induced Identity Crisis

Post by Lillian @ http://itsadomelife.com

 

I am having an identity crisis and it all started with my closet. I go to get dressed and stare into my closet wondering who bought all of these horrible clothes and why? It’s almost as if my former pre SAHM self was another person. One I can no longer relate to.

I have too many button down shirts with quarter sleeves and pants that require shoes with some kind of heel (so I don’t step on them while I walk). I have outdated clothes that I bought when I was twenty and too skinny and trying so desperately to be loved and adored by young men who didn’t really know how to love or adore anyone but themselves. I have clothes in colors nobody should ever wear like lime green that I probably bought off of the clearance rack because the deal was too good to resist. I have flannel shirts that may or may not have been bought when I was in high school. Yes, it is that bad. I have sweaters that were needed when I lived in Connecticut, but could never be worn comfortably in New Mexico. I have been saving all of these clothes for reasons that don’t make sense. Reasons that seem to dance just beyond my conscious awareness, but come into focus for moments at a time.

I think I may need these clothes one day. What if I move to a colder region? What if I return to work? What if I forget what it was like to be young and pretty and delightful? What if I need a dress to wear to some function that never ever takes place? It’s like I am carrying around external baggage in the form of clothes. The thing is I don’t wear most of the clothes hanging in my closet now. I have a very low tolerance for being uncomfortable which means half the time I don’t even want to wear jeans. Living in New Mexico, I am not required to dress up much. I live in a state where politicians appear on TV or before an audience wearing jeans and cowboy boots, where women don’t spend much time in skirts and dresses. We keep things pretty simple here most of the time. This suits me just fine. I prefer it even. Still, I cling to my fancy clothes like they represent some magical life I once had. A life I don’t even want anymore.

These clothes raise questions for me. Who am I now? Where am I going? How do I fit into this community? Why am I holding onto the past when the present is so much better and the future is filled with so much hope and opportunity? I think I am entering into a transitional or transformative time in my life. I am shedding who I thought I should be and becoming more of who I am. I am becoming more centered and more focused and more accepting of myself. I don’t want to wear these clothes anymore because they no longer belong to me. They no longer represent me. They do not reflect the person I am becoming or explain where I am heading. These are not my clothes.

Have you had the experience of opening your closet and wondering about the clothes inside? Feeling like you have walked into another woman’s house or peered into a life so foreign to you that you wondered how it could possibly be your own? What have you done to change? How did you rediscover your personal style? Give me some of your wisdom and experience. I am at a loss on where to start, but desperate to begin.