Post by:
Dear Taylor Swift,
Can you put that big angry pen of yours down for a sec and lend me your pale little ear? We need to talk…bitter older woman to bitter younger woman. I’m sure you’ve been told this before, but you’re walking a fine line lately. A line that straddles talented, young, highly-dateable pop star and crazy, eternally single, older woman who will eventually feel an urge to fill her palatial chateau with way too many cats.
I fully understand that ages 15 through 22 can be pretty angsty years. When you released your first few songs, vivid memories of melodrama from those years came rushing over me. I remember how those first awful heartbreaks felt. Crippling and unfair. But even my awkward, less glamorous version of a teenager picked herself up, dusted herself off and found someone new to make-out with for a while. I did this without writing terrible things about those stupid jerks all over the mirrors and stalls in the ladies room. That’s what girlfriends are for. Something makes me think that you really need some better ones. Trash talk your exes until you’re blue in the face privately, but when you start making your millions by putting their misdeeds out on front street…you’re going to start earning yourself a reputation. I’m sure a shiny Grammy on your mantle is nice, but if you ever want to put a picture frame of yourself cuddling with a really nice guy next to that Grammy, you’re gonna need to lock it up. Nice guys learn from their mamas that it’s not a good idea to date bitter psychos who tend to kiss and tell…especially when the “telling” is actually more of a catchy musical scathe-fest that everyone and their brother knows the words too.
Also, stop dating men 10 years older than you who brag about their addictions to porn. Stop dating “men” who are 5 years younger than you who probably still have a curfew. And definitely stop buying mansions right next to theirs if you’ve only been dating a few months. Just stop it. You’re beautiful and obviously very talented, but you’re better than all of this. Unless you want your love life to be pitied well into your forties like the lovely Ms. Aniston, you’re going to need to tone it way down for a while. A really nice guy will eventually come along. You’re probably going to kiss a whole lot of frogs on the way there though. Most of us do. Bittertown is a lonely place to live, even if you’re surrounded by stacks of cash.
All that the rest of us are starting to hear is waaah, waaah, waaah! It’s okay that you and one of the Jonas Brothers or Jake Gyllenhaal are never, ever, ever going get back together. (I seriously doubt that they want to anyway at this point.) It’s not too late to dial back the bonkers. Put on some yoga pants, crack open a box of wine, watch a few rom-coms with some girlfriends, and have a really ugly cry. But then, move on. There aren’t enough songs about unicorns or rainbows anymore…I really think you probably need a few of those gems for a while. Just until the cuckoo wears off a bit.
Sincerely,
Jen
0 comments:
Post a Comment