The Elf On A Shelf = An Introspective View

Post by: Lisa @ http://earth2body.net/ and http://achildsgardenacademy.blogspot.com

This is the time of year when we are increasingly introspective and hyperconscious of the things we have to be thankful for. There is likely one thing many of us will not have on the list of things we are thankful for.

If you’re a parent, you’ve undoubtedly heard of The Elf On A Shelf. He’s a cute little stuffed elf that comes complete with his very own story book. The story tells about this little elf who is a buddy of Santa’s. He has been sent to your home especially for your children. Starting in November, he“hides” in a new place each day and flies to the North Pole at night. There, he reports to Santa how your children have been behaving. He does this every day and night until Christmas. Then he spends the rest of the year at the North Pole with Santa until it’s time to return again next Christmas.

Sounds cute, right?

Wrong.

As the story goes, your family must first choose his name. They come in female and ethnic versions too, because we wouldn’t want Santa to be slapped with discrimination. You should be warned about the naming ceremony ahead of time. Your children will want to name him ridiculous and idiotic names like Coco or Lucky or worse.

Your elf will begin ruining the holiday season for you the day he arrives. First of all, remembering to hide him in a new place every night will become your mission for a full month. You will become consumed with worry over forgetting to move him. Again. Be prepared to lie quickly and effortlessly when you forget to move him one or twelve times. It will happen. I don’t recommend relying on the father to help remember something this epic either. Your child remembers when the Tooth Fairy didn’t “show up.” Your children will be scarred emotionally for life if this tradition is not handled perfectly.

Every waking hour of every day will be spent obsessing over this little prick with his smug grin. People will begin to question your sanity when the topic of every conversation you have is about a magical elf who moves about the house by himself and flies to the North Pole every night. And whatever you do, do NOT let the children touch him or he will lose his magic. THIS will be highly emotional for all involved. Be prepared. You may be tempted to just tell the children the truth about everything and get it over with.

There will only be so many clever hiding places you can find for him to “hide.” Inevitably, you will end up putting him in your children’s Barbie house where he’ll be discovered up to no good… with Draculaura.

Oh. You should also know that there will be all of your friends who have to ONE UP each other on every single thing. They really get a charge out of this idea. They will spend days and days thinking up clever antics and creative hiding places for the elf - and they’ll be posting it on Facebook. Every. Single. Day. They will savor the opportunity to remind the rest of you how they’re way better moms because their elf stripped the toilet paper in the bathroom or ate a cookie in the pantry. Precious. And exhausting.

Bringing home The Elf opens up a whole new line of interrogation by your children about Santa. Your children will want to know ALL of the details about his magic and how he gets to the North Pole so fast. They will relentlessly cross examine you about elves, magic, and Santa among other things. They will correct you every single time you contradict yourself. They will compare notes with friends at school about their elves. You will spend the entire holiday season telling lies on top of lies to cover up your lies. And the father will forget those lies and tell them something different at which time you will be forced to lie some more. It seems fitting for such a Christian holiday season.

Your children will become increasingly suspicious. They will wonder why he and his book are in the Christmas box meaning he clearly he didn’t spend all year at the North Pole. They will ponder the fact that this elf still magically moves even though your 3 year old touched him. Major No, No. They will all be curious why Santa still brought that special toy they wanted on Christmas even though the elf witnessed every tantrum and tirade they threw. They should have been screwed.

I am warning you because I care. Leave the Elf On A Shelf on the shelf in the store. Don’t fall into the same trap the rest of us have.

Merry Christmas, future and fellow Elf liars.

P.S. Are my pants are on fire?