Guest Post - Once upon a time….

Guest Post by Things that happen every day

Once upon a time….there was vomit and banana stains all over my couch

You know what’s better than a vacation with your husband on a beautiful beach, lounging all day and sipping (guzzling) tropical drinks and not having a care in the world……snot smearing, vomit gushing, germ infested little creatures that take over your home and just won’t leave. Don’t get me wrong  I LOVE my kids but in all honesty I don’t remember the last time I sat down and didn’t say “Sonofabitch what the hell is that on the couch”. I’ve tried (begged, yelled, pleaded & threaten) to not eat/drink in the living room. You see we got new couches 6 months ago. They’re brand new and they cost a fortune (a fortune that we didn’t have…sorry kids for all the dry bread you’ve been eating lately).

I’ve come to the only conclusion possible; my kids HATE ME and your kids probably hate you. Just think about it. We love our kids, right (most of the time)?? What do we do for them…..we feed them, cloth them, bath them, wipe their shit infested asses without blinking an eye, buy them toys/books/dvd’s/electronic devices, give them lots of hugs and kisses and tell them how much we love them ALL THE TIME!! Proof that we love them.

How do they show us that they hate us….they piss and shit all over the place, vomit constantly (seriously how much vomit can a baby/child have. In my worst drunken stage I’ve never thrown up what I’ve seen them do). They throw their food and drinks all over the floor, bed, couch, in a small corner of their bedroom and cover it with all their toys so that when 3 weeks later you’re cleaning up their room you lift that ball and….. OHGEEZHOLYSHITWHATISTHATANDWHYDOESITLOOKLIKEITSGROWINGLEGS!!!

The other night as I was watching my kids eat and use their hands (no one uses a fork anymore, it’s not cool). I cringed every time they used their shirt or pants or table or under the table or chair as their napkin. Within 5 minutes of eating I saw grease stains everywhere. So in my most loving sweetest voice I told me older boy (the little one still has no clue about anything) that I can’t wait for him to have kids and I hope they turn out just like him. He didn’t understand and asked why. So I said well because I want you to experience all the joy I get watching you and your brother everyday. He said "Well what if they don’t turn out like me?" and I said "Oh they will. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and it’s also the grandparent law. We enjoyed (suffered) watching you guys grow up its only fair you do the same."  Then I slowly walked away and laughed all the way to the bathroom! Which brings me to another observation is revenge theirs for our parents….nah we were never like this!