My beloved dearest future husband Adam,
I’ve been secretly (and by secretly I mean publicly) pining for you since I first saw you on Beverly Hills 90210 back in 1997, performing under the auspicious name of Kara’s Flowers. I mean with a band name like that I’m rather shocked you didn’t skyrocket into fame immediately (sarcasm optional). Who was this Kara? She was probably a blonde as you seem to have a thing for blondes. I’m trying not to hold that against you, and most blondes are probably really brunettes anyway, so yeah...no offense to natural blondes of course, unless you’ve dated Adam Levine and then I hate you. Before, I get hate mail from the collective blonde contingent, let me just say that all of my daughters were born blonde, which gives me some leeway here. For the record, I saw you on the actual episode of 90210, not in reruns. I expect that should count for something. I was Team Dylan and Kelly by the way. You’ll find I digress frequently, I will apologize in advance for any future tangents not related to the topic at hand (i.e. my love for you).
You have no idea how much we have in common! First of all, you’ve been quoted as saying that your favorite car is the 1971 Mercedes 280 SE 3.5 Cabriolet. I was born in 1971! Kismet! You consider yourself ambidextrous. You write with your left hand but prefer to do most everything else right-handed. I’m a lefty!!! I never played any instruments, unless you count the piano lessons my mother made me take when I was in elementary school, but when I play sports, I always play right-handed. I play a mean game of racquet ball, with my right hand! Not to brag or anything… Lefties should rule the world. We could rule together? Not convinced yet? No worries, I’m not done here.
You broke your collarbone lifting weights in 2005, and I broke my daughter’s collarbone as she was exiting the birth canal before her entrance into this world! Technically, it wasn’t my fault. She kinda just swooshed right out there like my birth canal was a slip n slide, and she broke it on my cervix, which is curved and tilted. I have mom guilt over it, but I mean really, what could I have done? Don’t be alarmed by the curved and tilted cervix, it just makes certain sexual positions uncomfortable for me and sometimes painful, but I’m pretty vocal about any and all discomfort so I’ll be sure and let you know if you are hurting me. I mean, if we were to have sex, which I’m not at all saying we would, just throwing that out there, so there are no wicked surprises. Not that I don’t like surprises, because I do, just not in the bedroom. Not that I’m prudish in anyway. I mean I can be adventurous. I read 50 Shades of Grey.
Oh I digress…again. I did warn you. Moving on… You like Yoga! I like the idea of Yoga. My favorite yoga position is the “Dead Man’s” pose. I’m crazy good at it. No one lies on their back and breathes as good as me…guaranteed, and yes I AM bragging this time. Not that I just “lay there” outside of yoga…oh no, I’m a regular wildcat between the sheets my friend. Just sayin’…
You briefly worked as a waiter at Johnny Rockets and I dated a guy who actually termed his junk “The Johnny Rocket”. His name wasn’t Johnny, but he did get off faster than a rocket ship, or so I heard. We didn’t date long enough to have sex, because I do have standards. Technically, we didn’t really date per se. We hooked up at a party and by hooked up I mean we made out in that sloppy way that only drunks can achieve. He gave way too much tongue. He might also have been the guy that dry humped my leg. Like a dog. It’s funny that I can remember the name of his penis, but not his name. Huh. I’ll have to marinate on that one.
You told a magazine back in May, 2012 that you were “fascinated by marriage.” You also said, "I want to study marriage. I want to learn about it. I want to know it. I want to figure out whether or not I want to do it. I'm not just going to leap into it, because that's not good for anybody." I have good news for you Adam, I am married. Come study me! Observe me for as long as it takes. You can even move in if you want, although you’ll have to share a bedroom with my almost 7-year-old son. He’s taking drum lessons, and about to start guitar and piano lessons, so if you could also mentor him and help him channel his inner future rock star, that would be just peachy. Seriously, you should consider it. Studying something in its natural habitat, in the wild, is really the best way to learn about it. I’m pretty sure Jane Goodall said that once. OMG! Jane Goodall just popped into my head, and your debut album with Maroon 5 was “Songs About Jane”! It’s like we really are soul mates. Believe. Word.
The gristle on steak is your favorite part. Guess what? It’s mine too! Seriously, I couldn’t make this up if I tried. I also like it slightly burnt, so it’s crispy gristle. My husband always wants to trim that part off the steak, which I’m pretty sure breaks one of the lesser known Commandments. Thy shall not eat thy cow without thy gristle or something like that. Wouldn’t it be great to be with a girl who actually enjoys a good steak or just food in general? Aren’t you tired of dating girls who receive their entire days’ worth of caloric intake from licking a stamp? Come over, I’ll fix you steak and we’ll do body shots of tequila (I read somewhere that tequila is your drink of choice). Well, I don’t technically grill, so my husband will have to make the steaks but that will give us more time to chase the worm (wink wink). Oh yeah, I totally went there.
You love cars! I need a car! You are terrified of bees and sharks. That scene from “My Girl” where the little boy gets stung to death by bees…yeah it still gives me nightmares and don’t even get me started on the movie “Jaws.” Although, since you are a Pisces, shouldn’t you embrace the shark? Is a shark considered a fish? I can never remember those distinctions, sort of like is the tomato a vegetable or a fruit? We share a love for coffee, and I don’t drink tea either. Let me clarify, I don’t drink hot tea. I am a southern girl, so I will sell a kid for a good sweet tea. We were both extremely shy as children, and I also wish I was multilingual. You wish you read more, but I’m here to tell you that I read enough for the both of us! You claim a certain level of proficiency at scrabble. Dude, I’ll so kick your ass. Do you Words for Friends? Seriously, I hate to lose, so don’t think just because you are Adam Levine and I want in your pants that I would let you win, because I wouldn’t. Well…maybe if your pants were at stake. Maybe. Probably not, I do really hate to lose. Speaking of pants, I’ve heard you have quite the extensive collection of superhero underwear? What a coincidence, so does my son! In fact, he once brought home the dreaded “I made a bad choice” letter from school because he got caught with his pants down. Literally. He was simply showing off his superhero underwear to a group of boys. Nothing perverted there. For the record, I think his teacher way overreacted. He still thinks girls are gross, so it’s not like he was making moves.
You love to text and so do I! Seriously, I’ve been known to text my kids that dinner was ready. They might or might not have been in the same room. I’ve texted my husband while we were watching TV together. I don’t understand why people still talk on the phone. If you text me I will respond, if you call...well, I might never call you back. I don’t listen to voicemail either. I delete it because I hate the little notification numbers I get on my iPhone when I have a voicemail or missed call, and I always think I’ll remember to text the person who left the message later but I always forget, so just cut out the middle man and text me already. I heard you also have an addiction to Temple Run. You should really try Fun Run. I play, so you could friend me if you wanted, but don’t tell anyone I play because I really suck at it.
Tell me I’ve completely blown your mind at this point. You can’t possible deny the fact that we are meant to be together. I know that I’m a few years older (don’t forget wiser), but since men typically die before women, this just puts us on a more even playing field, don’t you think? I understand you typically like to order from the Victoria Secret catalogue, but don’t you think it’s time you branch out? Let’s be honest, you are known for having quite the ego, in some circles you are considered a bit of a douche. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone whose obsessionlove for you shines a bright light on the majesty of your awesomeness rather than share the spotlight with vapid lingerie models in search of their own shining star? Plus, who better to understand and embrace your narcissistic persona better than a blogger? Yet, as a blogger, I cloak myself in anonymity, so I would be the perfect conduit for your larger than life personality. I know, I know. You are dazzled by my brilliance and perceptiveness. It’s a gift. I know deep down you have to be tired of the world thinking you’re a Leonardo DiCaprio-esque himbo (male version of bimbo). It’s time you started to seriously think about your future.
The first thing you should do is follow me on twitter. The foundation of any good and healthy relationship starts as a twitter crush. This is a well-known established and documented fact. I’ve endured hate mail because of you, so even if things between us don’t work out, the least you could do is follow me on twitter. It’s such a small request really in the grand scheme of things. Yes, you read that correctly. I received a rather vitriolic letter from “a concerned mother” about my “delusional obsession” and “sordid fantasy” concerning one very famous musician. She seems concerned about the welfare of my children, and my poor husband who must be forced to listen to my “useless diatribe”. I really think the best revenge would be to send her a wedding invitation. Delusional, my ass.
My Brain On Kids
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