Post by Dani @ Suburbia Interrupted
Dear Wives of the Atlanta Falcons,
I wanted to take a moment to sincerely thank you for allowing to me to be part of your exclusive, members only club.
If you don’t remember me (how could you NOT), I am the lady who became an honorary member in that hotel lobby bathroom. You know…the bathroom that is obviously your clubs secret meeting place. Never in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined having to take a piss in a hotel lobby would make me feel like a million bucks by the time my bladder was emptied.
Boy was I wrong.
Upon entering the bathroom, I was greeted by the cutest, softest mascot that any exclusive, members only club could have. Whether you realized it at the time or not, your mascot had me at first lick. I mean…who can resist a puppy, perfectly groomed, wearing a diamond encrusted collar, so eager and excited that another member had arrived.
The two members of your club who had arrived early for the meeting were so warm and friendly. Small talk between the three of us began immediately and soon after, the laughter was permeating throughout the elegant bathroom walls and under the perfectly painted stall doors. I loved that I instantly became involved in the conversation regarding what Christmas gifts the women splurged on for themselves. I didn’t offer this information at the time, but I am pretty sure that somewhere in my garage I have a print of the original painting one of the women bought for her home. I know for a fact that I do not own a diamond (real or fake) anywhere close to the size of the real one the other woman had purchased. I promise if allowed to stay a member, I will work on that.
I am still not sure why I was so warmly welcomed into the exclusiveness that is your club. I mean, yes I did look like one of you, wearing my newly bought, perfectly fitting jeans and a perfectly fitted shirt. To be 100% open and honest, I wore those so The Big Guy could show me off in front of your husbands, but whatever. I obviously have good choice in clothes. Maybe it was the aviator sunglasses I was sporting. They are pretty cool looking. Lots of normal women ask me where I got them. I usually say I can’t remember. Truth is, I sat on my old pair and picked these chic looking ones up at the first drugstore I came upon. (Walgreen’s if anyone is wondering.) It could have been the Coach purse I was carrying. Yeah. That is probably it. It is a nice one wasn’t it? It’s the perfect size. Not too big. Not too small. Goldilocks would call it just right. I must admit that I am way too cheap to spend money on a Coach purse and that (along with a few others) was left behind when my sister moved to Germany.
I can say with all honesty that the perfume I was wearing was in fact Burberry. I won’t spend money on a designer purse but will spend copious amounts of money to make myself smell good. And no, the perfume was not another ploy to gain the attention of any of your husbands. I was interested in getting laid…by my better half. He too loves Burberry. And as you all must know by now, we aim to please our men right? The reason that your members are gorgeous and meticulously groomed speaks volumes. I will stop preaching to the choir…
I realize that some information of your club has to stay private and I took my cue to excuse myself to a stall when the women began quietly talking amongst themselves. I get it. They had to confer about their newest member and I really had to pee. No offense was taken. I was shocked when, upon exiting the bathroom stall, I was asked who I was dating because they had never seen me at prior club meetings. Please let the women know that the shocked look on my face was not because they had lipstick on their teeth or a booger in their nose. I was shocked because they thought I was a member! Do you know how amazingly awesome that felt?! Me, the woman who had just spent nine hours in a car with her five kids and The Big Guy was automatically assumed to be a new member.
Whatever else happened on vacation, nothing topped that moment.
I politely informed the members that I was not dating or related to any of their spouse’s teammates, that I was in fact just a normal woman, living an awesome life with her normal family. (Okay, I didn’t exactly say it in those words but you get my point.) I was amazed when the two members overlooked that minor detail and kept chatting with me, which is why I now consider myself an honorary member.
I have to say I am a little upset that I did not have the opportunity to meet your most famous wig wearing member or be filmed by the Bravo cameras, that I am sure follow her every single move. But I guess if the rest of the Atlanta cast isn’t invited and a brawl won’t break out, she stays far away from coming in contact with the normal people who roam hotel lobbies.
In closing, I want to once again thank your club for boosting a normal mom’s ego, for welcoming me into your club and for (I will assume) considering me an honorary, lifetime member. Count on me to be back next year, same time and place for the end of the year meeting.
I can’t wait to reconnect with the girls. And maybe next year, since I won’t be the new girl, I can be part of the pow-wow while the newest member to enter the secret meeting place excuses herself to a bathroom stall.
Sincerely,
Dani
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